I am hoping by the end of this month that something more elegant will come out of my mouth. Never have I been a great communicator. My emails are always brief and to the point. Why not? Much easier that way and I”m likely to get a faster response back. So I am hoping that I will be able to express myself in some way.
It’s terrifying to me that I _thought_ I could express myself but I’m finding that I do it in a robotic, superficial kind of way. It pains me to see myself like that. When I’m with friends I don’t know how to share my emotions with them. That’s for me to discuss with my therapist, not here.
This Labor Day weekend I am catching up on my sleep, running every day, and doing yoga. It’s heaven. I’ve been trying to study, but there are obstacles everywhere. Especially in my head. Even now, some part of me wants me to fail this challenge by not completing 500 words every day. I feel like I’ll never learn how to write well. That I will just regurgitate the same sh!t over and over and over ad nauseum.
But I don’t care. I’m hoping that I will be able to convince myself that _I_ matter. That my words matter. And even if they are not important or matter to anyone else, they are important to me. Even sitting down here and pushing out 500 words is laborious–right now. But the practice makes me feel like I’m important to ME. That I do matter to myself and that even if what I’m writing isn’t f*@king Shakespeare, that’s not the point. The point is to sit here and do some kind of free association stuff until October rolls around. THAT is my goal. That and maybe lose ten pounds, no pressure.
Ok. Three hundred words so far. I can do this. It is possible. Right now I’d rather be watching TV, but I’m not.
So, I’m here, at my desk. Now what? I’m showing up for myself. That part I like. It’s Labor Day weekend and friends of mine have gone out of town. I don’t feel like there are any obligations which feels good, no pressure to be “on” when I’m not feeling up to it. Goal setting is definitely not a strength of mine. But I’ve been reading this book called “Honoring the Self” by Nathaniel Brandon. It has some nuggets of wisdom in it. The weird thing about the author is that he was a former associate/lover? of Ayn Rand. I’ve never read any of her books, but Nathaniel’s book came recommended by some other author I was reading. (I lose track of where my book recommendations come from). Where was I going with this? OH, I think there’s a chapter in that book about goal setting, or maybe I’m confusing that with “Girl, Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis. I’ve never been good at remembering things. Two totally different books and I’ve somehow confused these two. Oh, look, 500 words. I made it.
P.S. Sorry for the abrupt ending. Promise to work on that.
Oakland Running 