Another’s success, or the illusion of success leaves me comparing my own situation, even if it’s completely unwarranted. Somehow I am motivated by fear, and the success of others leaves me fearful that I will not find my own.
Went running today and it was rough. I didn’t even run for like a full 20 minutes, my bare minimum. Mostly because I was having cold sweats and a case of diarrhea. So I stopped, and promised to come back later. Only I didn’t. I’m sitting here typing and trying to motivate myself to get more learning underway. (Feeling better now).
My head is all over the place right now. There feels like such an overwhelming amount of work to do and I can’t seem to focus for more than half an hour on any one thing. I’m already having small panic attacks when I think about trying to accomplish what I want. I loathe the wallowing and the self-pity. I know, things will get better, I just need to get some sleep and sleep on it. I can feel my chest tightening and my breath becoming more shallow. Panic attacks are a b!t@h. Even if I just study for two hours I’ll feel better. I know I can do this, but I tend to “coast” for as long as I can until my motivational fear comes back. Not a great way to get sh!t done.
AAAaaaaarrrrrrgh. I am just going to keep typing words out until number 500 shows up on this screen and I can hit publish.
The weather was gorgeous this morning. On my way to work out, it felt great to be alive. Until I got closer to the lake and then there was that god-awful smell of the fertilizer or whatever that sh!t is that they’re putting down for the new landscaping around the lake. It smells awful and creepy. If creepy had a smell, it would smell like that. Ten years down the road we’ll find out the person who sold this “fertilizer” was a serial killer who put his victims through the wood chipper (you know, like in that movie “Fargo”).
Did I learn anything today? Yes. I learned that I should always bring an extra pair of headphones when I work out because I had forgotten mine. I was pissed. This morning didn’t go as planned and I was not coping well. I mean, I managed to keep my crap together and run for a few minutes, until I started having cold sweats. There is always tomorrow morning. And I can go running before I go to my study group. Hopefully.
Still feeling anxious about learning anything. Like there’s something wrong with my brain, but I know that the only thing wrong with me, is my lack of faith in my ability to learn/process data. It’s a m@!herf^@king process, and the more I sit here and wring my hands, the more anguish and suffering I am going to put myself through.
I CAN DO THIS.
Oakland Running 